Patience is a *BER* too

September is the start of the Christmas season here in the Philippines. At work, September is the start of the fiscal year. A new beginning. And lots of stuff to look forward to like gift giving in December, bonuses to buy the gifts with, parties, food, and hopefully we also look forward to opportunities doing good not just for ourselves. Schitz, this is going to be preachy but hey I don't do it often so bear with me. I received this email dubbed "voted as best email of the year" in which pictures of people in need are placed side by side with situations we may be more familiar with, comfortable situations, OUR comfortable situations. And it goes on to sort of lecture us: that we should feel so much better about ourselves despite feeling unhappy with our current situations, thinking our salaries are low, thinking we don't have as many friends as we want, thinking the world is against us, thinking we can't replace our year-old running shoes yet, etc... Oftentimes we may think life is unfair to us. If you are reading this, we are so wrong. I agree - we have no right to complain. We become impatient when we don't get the good fortune we think we deserve. Why don't we try to put our energies into pushing for helping others who need more than we do? Quick, push to help others now instead! If you can, donate to legitimate organizations that help those in need. Little things still add up to make a big difference. If we all work together, we'll be able to reward the patience of those who have long suffered.
*pictures are from the email I got

In the company I work for, they annually raise funds for an educational endeavor in Barobaybay (Samar). This activity happens around April to June. I have an idea of putting up water containers that employees can drop their loose change in much like the canisters you see in a lot of establishments in the shopping and even dining places in the metro. If we start now, maybe by April next year, we could fill up several. (Hmm, I haven't thought of how much effort is needed to roll those coins up later on so that it'll be easier to submit to the fund though...) I've named the activity - Baryabaybay (barya is Tagalog for coins or loose change). The by-line is: Change for the children. :) This could still change though... Loose change for a solid future? Oh, and I've thought of another activity but I'll just give details in a future update. Clue: Sing song blue.

Time for love

Aug. 16, 2005

right now, you're single. and happy - you tell yourself. you really are - you assure yourself. and then you see a couple walking by, holding hands and being sweet and a part of you betrays how much you long for a constant companion too - someone to share your life with, a person who would willingly share their life with you as well, and be your witness (taken from Susan Sarandon's line in the movie Shall We Dance?). and then the tougher part of you justifies that not having another person (apart from family) to exclusively love is fortunately not fatal. and the world being as it is - more people not all that serious or committed or sincere or loyal - finding that one special person to love with all your heart and with all your might is definitely difficult. are you being too choosy when there are already some choices? have you pushed yourself to remain single? yes. because there is a choice. to be with someone you really love and would grow to love even more. and since a relationship is between two people, both parties have to agree on the same thing: being in love with, loving, and continuing to love the other. and not just portions. life is quicker-paced today but a balance must be struck to get to know your (potential) partner better and to keep the strong feelings you have for that person. one: you should really be in love. your life makes adjustments to factor in your partner. and love does not diminish, it develops positively. two: you should be responsible with your commitment. you can't just call it quits. or were you really in love in the first place? do you love the person or do you just want to be with someone? love is shared. and it's not directed towards ourselves but outwards to everyone we can share it with- be it one single significant other, our family, friends, or other people. it would be nice to have a partner to spend the rest of your life with, with whom you can be weak and you'll hear 'it's ok, i'm here, things are going to be alright.' and you're hopeful for that. as you're hopeful that life can be lived as productively, lovingly, and happily with or without a witness. love goes on.

Positive Illusions

Feb. 20, 2007

Reading Marc Buckingham's book on managing, leading, and succeeding, entitled "the one thing you need to know," I came upon a section that discussed the one thing you need to know about (a) happy marriage. It was just a parallelism to what he's going to tackle in the book but it had a very strong point in itself. It can also be applied to life, in general. And it supported some of the beliefs I subscribe to. To rephrase what Mr. Buckingham offered, the one thing you need to know about happy marriage, or I'd like to replace it with the term commitment, is that you have to give the best, most generous, and positive explanations for your partner's characteristics and behavior. It's a positive illusion. It may not totally be true but you have to believe in it. And if you think about it, yes, if you will maintain a positive outlook towards your partner and relationship, it will affect you just as positively. Notice how people and their relationships start to sour once they notice, keep noticing, and dwell on something not so likeable about their partner or the relationship they're in. Notice how quickly we get dismayed or depressed when something doesn't go as we planned it or when we hear something not too nice about ourselves. It's a natural reaction to feel bad and to not ignore when something isn't to your liking. But if play up the good things more and keep on believing in those things, life may seem better and easier too. It's pretty basic actually - just "think positive" or "look on the bright side" but it's not that easy to perform. Why else do you think when we were children we'd ask why it's so much easier for adults to see our mistakes rather than the good things we do. Well, if you're a parent yourself now, you'd notice you're doing that to your children too. But you still might not have the real answer as to why. No, it's not because we want our kids to be good and behave well and become better citizens when they grow older. Well, it's not exactly the reason why we notice the bad things first. So, I think, once we commit to someone, we'd have a better chance for that relationship to last if we keep on believing the positive things that we saw in our partner in the first place and that made us fall in love. Sounds a bit too idealistic? Sounds impractical, huh? What would you do if you find out your husband cheated on you? That could be a subject of another post but if we were to follow the positive illusions principle, I'd think what you'd do is ask yourself if you want to save the marriage and if the husband is repentant and if you think everything can still be saved. Ask yourself what is important to you and how much do you love your husband. Anyway, there are exceptions to every rule but this particular idea of positive illusions can be very helpful. To a child with no one to encourage him, he can still believe in himself to try to best in something he wants to do; to a spouse who catches her husband cheating on her, she can still believe that who she married is the man for her and that man commited a mistake he's sorry for and that man is still the one she sees herself spending the rest of her life with; to the ordinary man who works hard and yet just barely gets by each day, he can still believe that a brighter future waits for us all if not at least for the next generation, and that more and more people will help to ensure that future. These things may be positive illusions now but they can also guide us so that we can make them the reality very soon.

Happy Anniversary!

Plus this is my 200th post on this blog. Woo! So I'd like to thank the biggest inspiration I've had the past year... by a song :) It was 2005 since I last wrote a song and I don't know when the last time was that I wrote a song that's not a bitter-sweet or really-bitter love song. All thanks to my inspiration... L-l-like the song, I hope you do... Yes, the song! For L-l-le-let's get on with it, shall we? Closer, come closer... L-l-lyrics first...

MORE THAN I LET YOU KNOW

Love has come my way before
Then it couldn't stay no more
When least expected, this new chance,
You swept in to the rescue

Still amazed at how the stars
Had aligned and then conspired
To gift you to this fool aspiring
Never tiring just for you

No doubt, I'm not
The perfect match for you but
No indecision,
Though times I've said it few,
How much I love you so-
Much more than I let you know

There were times that I'd be scared
Losing you, may I be spared
My happiness revolves around
Your happiness delivered

Still I can't
Be everything to you but
Not one condition
So that I'll be true to
How much I love you so
Much more than I let you know

(Instrumental)

No doubt, I'm not
The perfect match for you but
No indecision,
Though times I've said it few,
How much I love you so-
Much more than I let you know

Long and short of it

Jan. 09, 2004

Some people are fixated with lengths, from longer
hair to longer legs to longer penises. Some people
think that longer is better, just like with the
ability to prolong copulation. The longer you
sustain one orgasm or have multiple orgasms over
just one period of lenghty, sweaty, intercourse,
would merit you a badge, a medal, or a trophy. But
as in any physical stimulation, pain or pleasure
is ephemeral. And wouldn't NOT prolonging the sex
act give you and your partner extra time to do
other things that could also produce various forms
of pleasurable feelings?

I don't know if there would be more men than women
who would think that a lengthier sex act is better.
I think only women can fake their orgasms so I
suppose women won't mind having just one a night in
maybe 15 minutes? Men, on the other hand, seem to
relish the idea of being able to make things longer.
For one, almost every man thinks that a longer dick
means a happier chick (or partner, to be politically
correct about it), well, except of course for those
who move to justify that endowment is useless
without proper style. So men then only think this
way just to feel superior? And yet during the sex
act, humans are at one of their most vulnerable.

The best tools do not necessarily make the best
products. And even then, somewhere else, there
could be one that is better. Long times spent on a
task does not mean a high-quality result. It is
more probable that the doer ends up more tired. So
just get whatever you have to do done in the least
amount of time, yet putting as much of yourself
into it, then you'll never fall short of doing
the best that you can for more things.

Faith, fate, fetes

Aug. 19, 2003

I believe that we all have to believe in something to
continue to survive. God and the mysteries of all of
the religions have continued to successfully evade
definition and explanation because, then, they wouldn't
remain mysterious, would they? Their very existence
depends on the mystery. They cannot afford to be
disproven. We also cannot afford that these things
we hold on to be disproven. And there are truths that
we certainly cannot handle. Like: Does our having
free will limit God's omniscience? And does fate
define the boundaries of our free will? Which came
first -- the egg or the chicken?

When we are born, our parents imagine the best for us.
When we learn how to imagine ourselves, we imagine
even better. We see ourselves as we could be further
down the road of life. We see ourselves to have
achieved goals we have set. That vision of our future
pushes us to continue to live. And if we were to look
at our life as just one long road with a beginning and
an end, on that last step is where religion, and, more
generally, faith earns its significance. If we did
not believe in anything- in what happens after we die,
in God, in karma, in lasting love, in memories, in
family and friends, what will hold us back from doing
just about anything that enters our minds now? The
world may be in an even worse situation than it
already is.

Only death and change are absolute, they say. May I
add making choices. We have to take sides, whether it
is regarding religion or consuming meat products. Our
choices define our experiences. Our experiences
define our lives. And we are part of other people's
experiences which define them. That's why we're here.
We are alive and we have choices to make. Let's live
responsibly and make responsible choices too because
we don't live alone.

Religion is part of our lives. It tries to fill a
void that will remain a void until we die and learn,
if at all, of other truths, that by then won't matter
anyway. But being human, we tend to justify our
actions and inactions now, and speculate on
repercussions. This happens most when we are treading
on uncertain ground, when we do not understand. And
then we also try to make others believe what we
believe to make us appear stronger in that belief.
But truth is as unique to each individual as there are
as many souls or as many as those who believe there
are souls. We get to choose what we believe in. So
choose. And believe.

I believe I know the chicken came first.

Pet peeves

I don't like driving behind smoke-belchers. Why are there any still? Some people must not be doing their jobs... I think they're hidden somewhere where they can just pounce on color-coding violators. Back to the smoke-belchers... I especially dislike getting Stella (my car) fogged because it sticks to her body and seeing as I don't have her washed more than once a week, children playing along our streets find it rather amusing to scribble their names and other messages on Stella.
Another peeve is entering a full parking lot that has several vertical levels that when there are no signs of anyone driving out, you'd have to look for another lot to park at and you've just used up gas the parking lot doesn't pay for and for some lots, they still charge you their minimum rate.

And then there's seeing these posters...
I'm not surprised why people throw stuff at it or overwrite the text with nasty messages. My question is "Why?" Why do these politicians have to plaster their names and images on every project they green-light? Was it their personal money? I'm guessing they will get to add on to their personal stash. I see waiting sheds with the whole name of the politician on top like there was a bus named the same going to stop there and pick up passengers. Do not vote for these people!

Ooh, have you seen the tv ads of Loren Lagarda and Manny Villar? Isn't it too early? Ok, ok, you want to help the "masang Pilipino," and become President. But seeing your faces and reading your names constantly is, in my opinion, disgusting.
All in the family: this Arlene girl who wants to follow in the footsteps of final-councilor-termer-brother is working pretty early to get her name out there and be known. They have contracts in place they wouldn't want other people getting? They want to keep the meager councilor salary in the family? Geez, anyone who gets to be President or a law-maker should first raise the salaries of government employees so they won't consider illegal means to get wealthy.

I still would want to be President or someone with enough power to change things for the better. But I don't think I'll do any good dead. And I fear the people in power now can easily kill off or "silence" anyone who radically don't follow the lead. Sigh. Hang in there, beloved country. Soon, things will be better.

Heart, the chihuahua

A little over a month ago, my sister's boss gave her a dog, a 3-year old chihuahua named Heart. Heart Evangelista. Isn't she cute? Yes, the dog. She's given birth twice, I heard. Yes, the dog.Here's where she sleeps, her duck-shaped doggie bed.
She's real friendly, too friendly in fact that she got dog-napped last Friday. A couple of kids climbed the medium-high wall near our gate and just took Heart. Good thing someone saw the vile deed. The next day, a bunch of kids returned Heart saying that they found her roaming the esquinita leading to our gate.
O-k, so apparently besides being a mild-mannered dog, Heart can also fly.
Sometimes, she's pretty active, jumping up and down on your leg and sometimes, she just sits there quietly waiting for a treat.

Wait for you (cover)

When you have some time to spare... maybe, just maybe, you'll take out your video camera and try to sing again. Maybe you'll decide on Elliott Yamin's and Kyla's hit and record yourself singing... And then, you'll upload it to youtube and to your blog. And here it is. Don't hate, wasn't really feeling too good today :(

33

And so it ends. Another 9-set Whether vain. And looking back at the 32 years of my life, I still feel I'm very blessed. And I'm still out to be able to, in my own little way, share the blessings I have received. "Why throw even one starfish back to the sea? There are hundreds of others on the shore - you can't throw all of them back in. - It matters for that one." Do what good I can, yeah.

Whether vain set 17

An even worse time this set. In one picture I look drunk and on the way to the Conference in Clark, Pampanga, Sunday the 25th, I receive news that my dear spinster grandmother (my dad's aunt) who took care of my dad and my sister and I when we were growing up passed away in Bikol. I didn't attend the wake or the funeral. I was confused. I didn't know what was going on. This was the first time a close family member died and I was here in the Philippines (the first one when my dad's dad died, it was my first working day back in Boston in 2005). And I found myself crying driving to work. And crying dressing up for work. And still I couldn't get myself to go to Bikol. Anyway, my dad and my aunt Gilda went. And Tita Gilda has hearsay stories of how Lola Citan kept a picture of me (she thought it was me but it was another person) under her bed and she was asking for me just before she died. Heavy sigh. Necita Luzentales Corrioso was 87. I love you, Lola, and I will miss you. May God take you in His arms and may you rest in peace.

Whether vain set 16

Yes, I noticed it. In the first nine sets, I think I looked less stressed out. I don't know. Yeah, I can still smile in my situation but inside me, I'm stressed. Who wouldn't be stressed in my situation- my 5-year project ends in August, and up to now I don't feel I really belong anywhere yet? The project I'm supposed to handle keeps pushing back. The latest news is that it's delayed for, get this, at least 6 months. So I've aired my sentiments at the first opportunity. And they're getting me to help another project. And there's this other opportunity I'm interested in more and I don't know if I can get that. That would be like the chance I need to prove I deserve going manager by the next round of deliberations. I think I'd like to concentrate on managerial tasks now. Although there's some fulfillment in analyzing programs and coding, it's like 'been there, done that' for me. Ever since I became senior consultant (Associate Manager) in 2004 but kept on doing development work until my last project folded in August, I felt like I was bursting at the seems with wanting to do management work. But I had to be patient... And now, it seems it's the right time, what with being patient for so long and giving everyone a chance too to be supportive of me. It's time to be assertive and stay only for the work that makes me happy too.

Whether vain set 15

Went on training for a week. And when I got back, stress all over! I had to scramble at anything and everything I could work on just to keep the depression stemming from feeling like I'm in work limbo from taking over me or pulling me down-doo-bie-doo-down-down. So I act like a jolly camper making slide presentations and presenting them, and supervising a bunch of newbie programmers, and smiling when bumping into people along the corridors, and trying not to cry when they ask, "How's work?" And upcoming is less work and still not knowing where all this is taking me (just to learn how to be patient?!?!?!) and more training and more just-helping-with-what-i-can-while-everybody-else-is-passing-me-by-only-i-
know-what-i-can-do-and-everything-is-out-of-anyone's-control-especially-when-
it-comes-to-making-things-better-for-everybody-else-oh-well-i-don't-know-
there's-just-sigh-frown-sigh-again... Hope for the best? Think positive? Done that. Trying to be active, proactive, whatever, and there's just this wall I can't get around, over, under, alone... And it smells like I've been stranded... What if I click this?

Whether vain set 14

Happy set. Went to Tagaytay. It was cold. Road was scary at night- the edge of the cliff seemed so close! The inn was relatively cheap. The restaurants weren't. Good thing there were fast food places. But didn't go there. The view of the volcano was excellent! Ok, at first I wasn't sure which land mass was the volcano... ahwehwehwe Took pictures with an old SLR. Half didn't get developed. Half of those that did were crap. Last week I wanted to learn how to get some use out of the old SLR, had it cleaned even for P1,700; and this week, I'd like to sell it. Pentax MX, anyone? From the 1970's... In good condition... Original lens photographers (even digital ones) are scrambling for... (I could be exaggerating, I don't know, I just heard the lens was pretty good) But not for P1,700... No? Anyone? Dust. (I miss Little Britain! A little)

Whether vain set 13

My heart sank when I heard it- the project that I was to lead was pushed back not two weeks but now, two months and it'll kick off in January. My head spun- what am I going to do now? Two months since I rolled off from my previous project and I'm still training new-comers. I'm doing good, pretty good actually, on it, discovering and correcting flaws and I must say I think the trainees do learn a lot from the program and not just because I'm handling it now. But there a lot of things to improve with this program and with the account I'm in right now. And I haven't even been formally introduced as part of the account, just someone on the outskirts lending a hand because I'm available to help. Helping is not the problem. The direction I'm trying to set for myself has just undergone another setback. And will the remaining time (beginning January up to May or June - that's just six months until the start of the evaluation process) I have to prove my capacity to lead and to manage be enough to prove just that? Will I be open to any other opportunity that would give me the kind of work I've been longing and been ready for? I know I'm ready. But will I be given the chance to get it? And what kind of chance is it? Whirrrl.

Whether vain set 12

Such a tiring week! Going to work early, coming home late, working home, sleeping much later, waking up early again, getting 4 hours of sleep... I'm about to cry... tears of joy. WTF?!?! Beats me- I'm beat and I'm happy about it. I get to do some thinking, some decision-making, and I work hard to complete tasks.

Hmm, interesting, this is the first set wherein all the pictures are taken from my bedroom (well, one is just outside the door of my bedroom)... Means I've been too busy at work to even take a shot of myself there ahwehwehwe

Whether vain set 11

Why smile? There are a lot of things to not smile about. Life is not fair. Life sucks. Shit happens a lot. And yet, life is just too great the chance to spend it all crying and frowning and grumbling. So while I wonder if my previous sentence is grammatically correct, I have this to say: Yeah, problems abound. And if you're reading this via the internet, it's 100% certain that there are people out there in worse situations, having oh so much worse problems than yours. And it's oh so much better to try to find solutions rather than dwelling on the problems, trying to move forward than staying put to dig up remains, trying to swim away from what potentially could be a whirlpool of negative vibes, a sinkhole out to quickly attach despair onto your soul.
Take it easy. Take care. Live your life happily, responsibly. Within reason, smile and laugh as often as you can.

Whether vain set 10

And I'm back. Why? Well, if you look at the dates and know how to count, you'll probably find out... Anyway, I know I look thinner but I'm not any less heavy. Still 150 pounds. I have new shirts that are S's. And even my old pants are not as tight. My hair has grown quite long. Whenever I have the urge to have it cut, someone tells me it looks nice. In the collage, I am seen in six different places, the most number of places I am pictured in in any Whether Vain set so far. Just sharing...

Graphic Expression

If you want to create your own custom images like the one below to use in your websites, blogs, presentations, etc., then I suggest you click the title of this entry and head on over to ImageChef.com where you can customize images for whatever needs you have. Fancy writing in the sand or on wet cement? Want to see how your name looks like tatooed on someone's back? Browse ImageChef's library of customizable images now and you may just find that special graphic to send your special someone.

Simpsonize!

Straight from the Simpsons' universe, here are two new characters! Ben is an acter while Jerry is a writor.

100th blog post

Wow. A year ago, I was hesitant to get a blog of my own because my web host service for jaybeecc.com already came with a forum where I could post whatever I wanted to write about. And for years I was content with that. Well, things evolve somehow, and a blog is the way to easily get your stuff/content out into the wide web world.

Initially, I re-posted some of what I already wrote in my website forum. You can read them here. And then I stopped for a couple of months to concentrate on the independent film, Mean Well. And when I came back to post, I tried to set a theme... pictures of Churches I go to to attend mass in. I wasn't able to continuously visit a different church every Sunday so that idea fell through. And then slowly, and starting from the time I got a camera phone to take pictures more quickly than when I just used my video camera, I got into a rhythm of posting pictures of people, things, and places that interest me. And now, more frequently and consistently, I post short articles accompanied by pictures of people, things, and places that I experience.

One thing in this blog I'd like to maybe pursue later is to collect Fingermask'd pictures of people. It's certainly quirky and original (thanks to Warren Herrero, my officemate who gave me the idea by posing the Fingermask way in one photo I took of him). And then there could be a new pose coming- it's called the break-neck pose and you could see a couple of photos of me in this pose in the latter sets of the Whether Vain project.

From writing literary stuff, to songs to mail-zines (above image from Bitch n' Feces: Rare Pure Gas), to making my own website portal, to making independent digital features, to posting to this blog, to vlogging... things are coming together nicely. Now, I'd like to try to be able to get something from the hours I spend online, to maybe help finance my next independent feature project.

In the meantime, as a tip of the hat to the days when I was somehow able to write poetry, here's something I wrote yesterday. It's cheesy, I know. I love cheese!

I thank God for blessing my soul
and gifting you to me
stars align
conspire even
to bring us to today

I swear to make it last
imperfect though am I
this feeling I won't wish to undo
no doubt or indecision
for the lifetime remaining
I commit myself to pursuing your happiness
I love you so
and for life, this affirmation

Whether vain set 09

And just as this series ends, a more exciting chapter begins. And there's a clue in this set. No, not a new haircut. It's never been in the other sets. No, it's not my new seat at the 35th floor of my building. It's... if I have been optimistic or positive before, I am absolutely feeling astronomical, heavenly even. It's as if nothing can go wrong and everything has a reason for taking so long. And it's been a long wait but it's all worth it. All good things to those who wait, they say. Well, there aren't enough words to describe how happy and grateful I feel right now. So happy I could cry. Like when I'm watching my favorite TV show Wish Ko Lang and they're featuring a reunion or really big assistance to someone in real dire need... More clues in succeeding posts.

Back to the Whether Vain project: I don't look much different from when I started 81 days and pictures ago. My weight still went from 151 to 149 and back to 151. I've had a couple of haircuts. I've gone through another election where my family got an amusing surprise. I've started drinking soda (light sodas only) again after 2 years. And I'm about to go to a new project at work where I don't know how things will be. I still always smile everyday, try to make other people smile or laugh too. The first and last things I do everyday is still thank God for all His blessings. 81 days. A lot has happened. And a lot has remained the same. Life has been just how I like it to be- simple yet complicated, fun and difficult. But it's all worthwhile. This picture-taking project may have ended (for now) but it has been a reminder for me to be grateful for and try to work with anything that I receive, not because when comparing with other people I could appear to be more blessed, but because I have this great opportunity to experience life and experience other people, to experience all these emotions, and see the world and learn, and try to maybe affect at least one more person in a positive way. I could die tomorrow and no one will have memory of me but that's the least of one's worries because life is like a photograph, it fades and disappears. Was that a genuine smile at least that you flashed in the photo?

To Where You Are

Whether vain set 08

One more set to go... this set started with me on an unbelievable high and then I went a little antsy about my job slash work slash career (path)... oh, well.

Whether vain set 07

A lot of things happened during this set. Angst. Fear. Love. God is so good I am continuously blessed. The future is uncertain but in the present there's contentment. And of course, always working for something better. Cheers!

Whether vain set 06

This set saw a very stressful week at work, some dating "down"-time, and just a few hours of sleep everyday.

Whether vain set 05

It's been a very, very stressful few days at work- I've been going home pretty late, and other tasks are not showing signs of letting up. It's partly my fault too because I'm the one choosing to spread myself thinly. I don't know if it will work to my advantage and eventually bring me to do work I really like to focus on. But for now, it (not even barely) pays the bills, and I try to enjoy myself as much as I can. What's starting to show- the stress or the trying to enjoy part?

Whether vain set 04

Whether vain set 03

Whether vain set 02

Scared-y Cat

Another song from 2001. I tried to splice two videos together to show the "conscience" part getting sung separately. Funny. Leave comments here or at youtube. Thanks!

Oh, and someone asked that I sing No Goodbyes again and to dedicate the video to his friends. I'll try to do that as soon as I can. You guys could also send in requests for dedications to this address.

***

Sometimes falling in love is more frightening than riding the tallest and fastest roller coaster with the most number of dangerously twisted turns and loops. Understandably, some folk would turn away from the entrance to the "love-ride" while some brave it. Some come out totally whacked, some unscathed, and a few enjoy the ride so much, they fall in line again.


Scaredy-cat
(2001)

I see her walk in the room
She wouldn't know it -- my heart just went zoom
I'd think of sweet words to say
But all I hear myself blurt out is "Hey."

I'm a scaredy-cat, scaredy-cat
Wish I knew how to roar
A scaredy-cat, scaredy-cat
Never felt this before
A scaredy-cat, scaredy-cat
I think I'm in love with --

#You'd catch a glimpse of her eyes
#And suddenly you're all but paralyzed
#Her voice then blows you away
#She's all you think about every single day

#If you're in love with her scaredy-cat
Wish I knew how to roar
#You better tell her that, scaredy-cat
I wouldn't know how to
#Move it or lose it now, scaredy-cat
She might even not like you

Me, I'm a scaredy-cat
My knees buckle when at bat
I fear losing her but then I realize
The worth -- her smile, her voice, her eyes

#You're just a scaredy-cat, scaredy-cat
I'm going to take the chance
#Plain old scaredy-cat, scaredy-cat
I'm going to make the stance
#Scaredy-cat, scaredy-cat
I know I'm in love with --

#Shed it, scaredy-cat, scaredy-cat
I'm gonna be braver
#No more scaredy-cat, scaredy-cat
Whatever her answer
#Is he scaredy-cat, scaredy-cat?
I love you

Artsy fartsy

I took a couple of hours of charcoal painting class early this week and I think I did ok. On the second and last day before we went ahead to do our "final project", the instructor drew samples on the upright sketch-pad-board-thingee, mostly vases and apples and grapes. When he gave the signal for us to start, he also put on some latin music. Good thing I had some mp3's in my phone and earphones with me to drown out what was to me distracting. When it was time to leave and I was able to look at what my classmates had drawn, I saw a gray sea of vases and apples. I slid my board inside my bag and left the class, the instructor was surrounded by a handful of people asking some more questions about technique.
I had a hard time with the cheese- I drew that first on the board. Does it look like cheese? The "craters" were hard to shade and make appear to be depressions on the surface. And then I worked on the mouse and lastly the cord. Here's a caricature I drew of my sister way back in 1994. I used to really like drawing, besides writing; and when I dropped out of Ateneo College, I tried to go to U.P. College of Fine Arts. I took the talent test and on the day of the test, I was late and sat at the back of maybe more than a hundred people. I could barely see the statue we were supposed to draw, being near-sighted, so I did a sort of an abstract impression. Of course I didn't pass.

Whether vain set 01

So I take daily pictures of myself and post them nine at a time and after nine sets or when I get tired of doing this, I look back and see how much I've changed. Did I get fatter? Someone just told me "mag-diet ka na. tumataba ka. baboy na face mo." (go on a diet. you're getting fatter. your face is a pig.) That translation is so funny! Some days I think I look old. Some days especially when it's cold, my joints feel old. So I just smile and the camera-phone flashes.

No Goodbyes

Hmm, I think I actually started writing this song late 2001 then maybe finished it (got the final arranged music on tape) around January 2002. Anyway, here are the contents- a brief note and the original unrevised lyrics- of the notepad file I had for this song around that time. (That's my old SMART mobile number posted below)

***

Some people take longer to get over some stuff, others just a bottle of beer, or a movie, or another cutie. Sooner or later, move on, don't get stuck, especially on something or someone who's clearly not worth getting stuck on. You can say your goodbyes or...


No Goodbyes
(2002)

I would sit alone and hope noone would bother me
I'd sing alone, find comfort in one melody
But then I found you
My world turned around
I only want to sit or sing alone with you

My life had changed
Experienced much I never would have known
It's so strange to learn this painful lesson now
When I had found you
My heart had set for home
But you couldn't let it in
I'm still alone (with you)

No goodbyes, I never really had you
So why should I feel so bad to leave you
No goodbyes

T'was a mistake I let myself fall for you
Hard to shake off letting go or wanting to
be more than friendly as I had raised my hopes
And as I pick my broken pieces now I know

No goodbyes, I never really had you
So why should I feel this bad to leave you
No goodbyes

*bridge

No goodbyes, I never really had you
No goodbyes, I'm leaving you, leaving you
No goodbyes

=====
jon b. c. corrioso
+63-918-914-7567

"To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong."
-- Joseph Chilton Pearce

Onward, melancholy, onward!

Sep. 25, 2003

During the lowest point in your lives, you will be absolutely alone. You won't have friends trying to console you, because if you had, then it won't be as low as the lowest, would it? And it'll be damned tiring! YOu won't be doing anything but it would still be as if you were trying to keep two mountains from squishing you between them. Ordinary people aren't as blessed with strength as mythological Bernardo. We can only try to cope. But the things which trouble us are, surprisingly, precisely much like mountains that are squishing us between them. They cause us confusion. And then we look to family and friends for support but pride often gets in the way of our reaching out. For, some things we don't want to share with anyone else. It's like falling into a hole and we try desperately to climb out. We shout out for help but we are also afraid of anyone finding us in the predicament we're in.

Sadness, despair, melancholy... we call these upon ourselves. Our lowest points are when we realize we can't do anything about something. A lot of times, it's about love. But generally, it can be about anything. When we're at the rope's end, when we run out of options, and when it seems there's nowhere else to go, that's when we feel our worst.

One of the most difficult things in life is de-focusing and seeing the rest of what's already out there. We are only left with options that we see, those that we have thought of or planned for. But there are other things that could also take us out of the ruts we get into. There are a lot of other things to focus on just so that you won't get sad or depressed about not-so-successful ventures. Not to say that it's not ok to be sad about anything. It's perfectly normal to feel bad. But nothing beats feeling rosy and good about yourself and the things around you.

Wine women song

Oct. 04, 2002

You lose your senses when you're drunk. A few people lose their virginities. A lot suddenly lose all inhibition and think they are the greatest lovers or the best singers when, inebriated, they have trouble getting it up. The microphone too. Makes for a ton of laughs. Step into a karaoke bar and you'd hear new lyrics to old favorites. Listen in on 'hired help' and they have stories of men knocking on the wrong door. Getting drunk is fun? Well, discovering you're home on your bed and unharmed but sporting a gargantuan headache when the last thing you remember is trying to stand up from where you were seated in the bar after downing a keg is kind of magical. And a suddenly expansive vocabulary is farcical-- if what you just said wasn't a real word, it should be, you murmur under dead-fish-smelling breath.

I've been drunk once. After half a liter of gin, I was on my back. That wasn't good I later found out. Not that I lost my virginity. Damn! My dinner wanted out. And I was babbling, telling my friends I loved them and asking them if they loved me too. Well, I wasn't really really drunk. It was a ploy to get to say I love you to a close friend. Was I bad? Regurgitated food is, I can tell you that.

Oh! And you have heard of jokes about women looking much better to your sullen eyes after a couple of rounds. Be careful. It's widely known juniors spring from rhum and vodka and beer. I mean offspring. You had a condom on? Which finger? Try the remote. And if nothing happened, no one will believe you anyway. Use it to promote your machismo? Have you no shame? Right, you're drunk.

Drinking occasionally is ok, I guess. At parties, it's ok to drink then. Just don't tell me you go to parties everyday. Every other day? Get rehab. Or try iced tea. Long island. Just don't get drunk. Too much. And don't get on with drugs. It's always better when you're conscious of what you're doing or what's happening around you because then you won't get played. You won't put just anything in your mouth. And nothing icky or stupid will pour forth from it either.

Good better bestfriends

Oct. 03, 2002

I'm so lucky to have really great friends. I've, like, known them for centuries! And though at rare times, we lose touch, I know they're there. And they're behind me. And they genuinely appear to be astonished at my feats. And they're at my face when I've done something bad. And they're like the brothers I wish I had. And you know how siblings are -- they fight and they scream and scratch at you but most times you make up in the end because you realize they're family. They're a part of you, a part of who you are. And you can't stay angry with a part of you, right, because that would be like, self-something -- you get my point.

They don't start out as bestfriends. It has to follow a path, obviously. And it starts down there in the level of strangers and from there, if fate lets it, shoots up, up and away. A lot of friends come from school-- it's where we spend most of our early years. Your seatmate and cheatmate could become a good friend. Your clique of nerds or bullies (whichever group you were part of) could stay your friends even after the study groups and the pranks you play on the nerds, respectively. Someone from the next classroom who you go to the library or have lunch with. Anyone, anywhere can be your friend. But events lead up to that. You can call anyone you meet and who you interact with your friend but it's not just a term anymore. It's not as simple as that. It never was. It has always been a relationship you keep and nurture.

Keep and nurture doesn't mean constant and consistent gift-giving or phone calls. You don't have to always be there too. It can take even one really heart-felt act and that's that -- you've bonded for life. You just don't know your friend is there, you can feel it. Much like twins who even in separation can somehow feel each other. It's how you've touched another life that keeps you attached to that life. And real friends have touched you in a way no one else has. They've shared a part of you and therefore have become entangled in you. It's a most difficult knot to untie.

But it happens. Friendships unravel. Even siblings disown another. But the ties don't completely straighten out. It just becomes loose. Sometimes, it remains loose and sometimes, it becomes tight again.

I just thought of how a boy and a tree can be great friends. The boy can play and rest and have conversations with the tree. And for a period in that boy's life, he had a friend in the tree. Sound pathetic? But their friendship was as true as any real one between people. Even if that tree was no longer standing, I'm sure the boy keeps happy memories of his 'friend'. That's how friends really are. They may not be there beside you but you know, you feel they're beside you. And they stay.

Season of gists

May 06, 2003

It definitely feels like something's ending again. May ushers in the rains. And I for one am glad that there'd be a chance things will be less hot and humid. Sometimes it's so hot, one begins to sweat even after just stepping out of the shower.

So that's good, as most other endings are, in my opinion. Endings should prove getting from a starting point to another, further. And most of the time, just as soon as one thing ends, something else begins.

That kind of thinking may come with age. I recall wanting things I was attached to to never cease from being with me. As kids, we wanted our favorite toys to never leave our grasp or to never be destroyed even as we play with them with world-war intensity. We had wanted our bestfriends-- be they human, canine or whatever-- to always be there too. But they don't and we see newer toys we like even more, we go to different schools where we meet new friends, and at some point in our lives, we see things very differently from how we used to.

And things are really different from how they were years ago. The pace has upped and everything seems to be in a rush, to not get into a rut, and yet, more people are. The speed in which things go determine how many endings there are. And by the growing number of people who've discovered some joy in the live-by-the-day idea, endings have no end in sight. And it can be seen as one that lessens the quality of each experience or increases the chances of living better ones. And suddenly, an example flashes into mind and I type it before I can rationalize and find flaws to the logic and not type it afterwards- It's just like how collectors either choose each prized purchase or buy in bulk and get that one or two rare items among the ho-hum rest that would eventually get displayed en masse in the less brightly lit corner or room, two right-turns past the second-floor toilet. And as that image ends, another thought-- of an old man hunched before a small mountain stream, a metal plate and his dreams of a better life in both hands, sifting for gold.

Make each day count, some say. Quality, not quantity, others exclaim. My two-cents: how many beginnings and endings we get or how much time between the two, we may not have direct control over but how we get from every start to every finish, that's what's worth looking back at near our last finish line.

Soliloquy for the lovelorn

Nov. 29, 2001

With each passing day, I am morE convinced I love you for the more I tRy to supress what I'm feeling, the more I am enamored. I am enliveNed by the thought that maybe even in the smallest degree, you considered me; I am envigored by the possibility that we are meant for each other; I am enchanted by the Way you look at me, the way you smile that unknowing smile. I wonder if you have a clue as to what I feel for you. I love you, I am certain... It's strange that not until after a month and a few encounters did it hit me; like a brick, it did. And in the beginning, I was trying so hard not to fall, not to become weak, not to think about you too much. But I failed and all I could think of was you. At home, at work, everywhere, it's your face I see. I may close my eyes at night to sleep but you invade my dreams and I Just lie awake waiting for a beep announcing an incoming message from you. And I think of reasons so I could send you a message myself. It's easy to lose consciousness of everything else but you. You're under my skin and it tingles with anticipation. When will I see or speak to you again? And it's not like I fall in love a lot because I don't and you're the first person I felt this way about. I really feel that you would be good for me and that you deserve how I can be good to you. All I can really offer is my sincerest love and loyalty and I swear I will make it last. But then fear sets in. And I feel infinitely empty. And it feels like I haven't eaten for a week; and I realize I really haven't eaten much at all-- a piece of bread in the morning, a bite of cheese for lunch, three pieces of siomai at midnight. I overcome hunger by thinking of you. If I have you, I would have everything I need to survive. I would share my life with you. Everything I am would be for you. That is, if I would be fortunate enough to deserve this chance to love this lifetime. I'm not very lucky at that which is why I am stumped at how to go about telling you-- that despite barely knowing you, I've grown to love you; and despite discovering that you may be just like the others ephemeral-distractions-wise, the feeling is welling-up inside me; and you may not exactly fit how I had envisioned my preferences, but you override them all. And that's how I know I truly am in love. I am ready to do what I have to do. My love will not expect but rather will endure. My love may be forced to let you go, but will never leave you. My love is yours, no matter what the cost to me is. I am thankful just to have learned this feeling with you. Sincerely,

The solitary bird

Nov. 21, 2001

"The condition[s] of a solitary bird are five. First, that it point(s) its beak skyward. Second, that it (flies) to the highest point. Third, it (does) not suffer for company; not even (for) its own kind. Fourth, that it sing(s) very softly. Lastly, that it has no definite color."

To experience true love is probably the best feeling in the world. Some describe a feeling akin to having butterflies fluttering inside one’s stomach, the constant smell of the sweetest flowers, being sure that life is wonderful, that you are safe and that everything will be alright. Many have sworn to this. And many more will swear; but sadly, promises are knowingly broken and love oaths become loathing.

And so a few ‘solitary birds’ exist -- they who cannot see love as anything other than extraordinary. To them, love can never be contained, limited, degraded by human frailty and base desires. In this quest, they may opt to seek their ideals alone, often with little or no fanfare. And there is no distinguishing them from other birds for there is no one type of solitary bird.

But alas, their flights are visited by pain and exhaustion. They are strong and are able to fly very long distances without stopping to land and rest. (This helps develop their endurance, ironically) But they would have to land somewhere, sometime, especially when fierce winds blow on every side. They on occasion just glide above clouds and sometimes are still, surveying the peaks worth flying to next.

the solitary bird (ee cummings)

it may not always be so; and i say that if your lips, which i have loved, should touch another's, and your dear strong fingers clutch his heart, as mine in time not far away; if on another's face your sweet hair lay in such a silence as i know, or such great writhing words as, uttering overmuch, stand helplessly before the spirit at bay;
if this should be, i say if this should be- you of my heart, send me a little word; that i may go unto him, and take his hands, saying, Accept all happiness from me. Then shall i turn my face, and hear one bird sing terribly afar in the lost lands.

It's soft and clear.
True love harkens yet is out of reach.
Still.

Sweet sorrows

Nov. 18, 2001

Saddening-- some good things never last, some don’t even start, and some we never notice.

It’s frustrating how things we eventually hold dear or begin to love or would want to keep, we lose or give up. There always comes a time when we have to make a choice or worse, when we have none at all. Nothing lasts. Everything dies or is destroyed. And by this knowledge, one either picks at everything in the path or chooses which is truly worth cherishing. Both aspire for happiness and contentment but they are as ever-changing as the wind’s direction.

The ‘sampler’ tries everything or at least almost everything at least once because one’s life is inversely proportional to the multitude of new things to discover. To the ‘sampler’, there can be no failure in life because lessons are learned from all experiences. In contrast is the ‘seeker’ who tries to find only the things and events that are instinctively, almost perfectly suited. In that, there can also be no failure for the quest in itself honors one’s life greatly.

And then, some things are given no chance to be realized at all, even for the smallest amount of time. Circumstances would not permit it. One may long for a love or for a toy or for other desires but these things will remain something to long for. One gains insight to the fact that however hard one labours, no fruit shall be borne. It would seem like quitting to stop trying but there are instances when it is wiser to just move on. To displace the intense feeling over the object would be difficult but at least it offers some room for growth versus a situation wherein one tries to endure a self-inflicted, prolonged agony over an unattainable goal.

Finally, there are things that we do not even notice are there for our eyes are focused on other things. We are distracted into not seeing some things which could prove to be more useful to or more fulfilling for us. Throughout our lives, we develop preferences for things we want and completely disregard the possibility for other things. In this blindness, we lose rare and more precious items forever.

Love, life, nothing lasts but we can cherish things we have while they are ours to have, we can move on from staring at or pushing against immovable walls, and we can open our eyes to the rest of the world, learning as we go or going as we have learned.

Fermenting the truth

Nov. 16, 2001

Interestingly, a symposium for the greeks in old times, meant a day or night of drinking and of intelligent conversation. It does not follow, however, that truths flow like wine during the revelry, only that inhibitions to its flowing are contained, controlled. Whatever anyone under the influence utters should be considered diluted unless that person is not really intoxicated and may just be using the situation to let out stuff that would be difficult to let out when one is sober. But then, the means used to speak what was supposed to be true diminishes its worth. There are two ways to handle truths and they should be both clear and unwavering: understanding and belief.

Alcohol has various effects. It can be a sedative-hypnotic, a stimulant, and vasodilator or vasoconstrictor. Under its influence, the brain experiences impairments in multiple regions that causes one, some, or all of the following:
a) loss of reason, caution, inhibitions, sociability, intelligence
b) loss of some motor skills, slower reaction time, shaking
c) slurred speech, impaired hearing
d) blurred vision, poor distance judgement
e) lack of muscle coordination and balance
f) loss of vital functions.
It is unlikely, therefore, that such a person with these impairments, especially when reasoning is affected, would spew out truths, not to say that all statements declared during unguarded moments or when unconscious of consequence are less true. But these statements at these moments, situations where it is believed that people are less inclined to be insincere, are as questionnable as any other time when people can be knowingly untruthful. And if validation of the statement would be undertaken when the speaker is no longer intoxicated, why bother pondering over how much of that statement was true when the speaker was drunk?

Attendees to symposia today aren't drunk. (It should prove to be wild though if they were.) These exchanges of ideas, discussions, experimentation, etc... lead to the discovery and acceptance of some truths; and if they help us live our lives better, then that would definitely be something to drink about.

Romance in three worlds

Nov. 11, 2001

In this practical world, romance flounders. To actually see one sincere case would probably bring me to tears. For by definition, it is usually short-lived and champions an idealised love, an unusually high endeavor, and could be graphically represented nowadays by the blinking lights that adorn the pubs and bars where short-time, non-committal, primarily physical love is brought to fore. Meanwhile, being the sub-culture that it is, the virtual world inherits the characteristics of its parent except, in this world, the modem lights do the blinking and romance can be measured by how much time one spends online. Romance flourishes like unsorted garbage-- it's everywhere, in the crannies of the wired world, but like any other possession, is discarded for newer, hotter eye-candy. Only in dreams, hopes, and our imaginations does romance last and remain true.

There are so many couples who have remained faithful and loving throughout their relationships. But it's alarming how much there are too of relationships borne out of shallow situations. But who's to say a situation is shallow or otherwise? Given that a couple would work on it, the relationship can grow into something beautiful and rewarding. And yet it's uncomfortable to exert so much effort into something you should be enjoying more. Putting in the effort now will necessitate accounting for it later. And that is totally unromantic. But by that time, the love would have flitted away anyway. No discussion on consciously ephemeral love-simulations.

Speaking of which, we log on to the virtual world. X is smitten with Y and they chat and they become lovers and they meet and they could continue being lovers. Then again, they may not. Computers and the internet may have been designed to aid humans in their work but for it to be used in aid of being human, in feeling, in working with human emotions, may be letting it do too much. Our bodies have their own electrical circuitry to detect and transmit romance. We should use it properly. A few would still insist that romance in the virtual world is possible. But is it crash-free?

Nothing lasts, one can argue. Love should. The problem lies in our being so conscious of everything else that love has no chance to survive and last. Romance is diminished to activities in getting something we desire -- a physically attractive partner to flaunt, financial stability, etc... --preferences. And then we try to learn to love. We try to manipulate love into being. It's so much more complicated than the i-like-you-hope-you-like-me-too-let's-make-it-work maxim; but it works, too. That has been working for the longest time and the general populace has been none too bright to notice that we all have come to accept a lower standard because it's difficult to reach for the higher one. It's become alright to learn to love someone we like, someone we could live with, someone we could lose eventually. Rather than stay alone. We dream of a true love, we hope for the one who completes us, we imagine the love who may not be what we want but is mysteriously still the one true cannot-emphasize-enough real love that is meant for us.

And then we settle for something else. It's enough, we say. It's still love, we defend. The sex is good, by the way. It's alright. Just tragic.